You couldn't even turn me sideways

TW: Can’t get a cut to work, sorry.

Wow it’s been forever since I’ve been on here. That’s probably a good thing because normally when I get on here it’s because something bad has happened.

Guess what: something bad happened.

I am not a drinker, by any means. One good beer is enough to get me buzzed. And being buzzed is the extent to which I like being intoxicated. Being really drunk sucks. And up until last night, I had only been that drunk once before, which was my first time blacking out. It was for about two hours, in which I was lying safely in bed with a friend of mine. I swore I never wanted to be that drunk again the next morning.

Well, last night my friend had an art opening and to celebrate she took me to her best friend’s house to party. It was weird, right away, but I guess I wont go into that. The point is, I had three beers, several shots of vodka and the last thing I remember is not being able to stand. That was probably at around 12 - 1 am.

Then 6 am, I’m being woken up. I’m in a bed, with my only my shirt on and my bra unbuttoned. I am being told that when I get up I’ll want to step over the pile of vomit - mine - and someone hands me a pair of pants - not mine - and my panties. My privets hurt, but other than that I feel okay. I follow my friend to the bathroom, where my friend’s friend’s father, tells me that he’s sorry about my neck. There is a huge hickey on it and I remember that it was him I was in that bed with.

Offhand someone mentions I’m a bit of a dominatrix. That would be completely in character if I was doing something physical, because after the first time I was raped I became very particular about how people touch me. I only vaguely remember yelling at someone to stop biting me however.

My friend and I are driven home. I sleep until noon and wake up feeling like shit, but that is only the beginning.

I realize there is no way that I would hurt so much down below if hadn’t had sex and spend a good portion of the day trying to locate some Plan B. Eventually, I just call my friend’s friend’s dad and he says that we sort of had sex but it was too drunk to work.

What kind of father does that with someone who could be their daughter and that they don’t even know?

So hear I am, at the end of the day, with shaky hands that I can’t get to settle down. I have done very little of the work I was planning to do. There is a huge bruise on my right arm that doesn’t look self inflicted, a bump on the back of my head and my jaw is hurting for some reason. I feel like I’m in a fuzz, I’m terribly nauseous and my throat hurts too.

This is a nightmare and I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about it either. I’m not close enough to anyone here, I wouldn’t want to tell my friends from home and the one person who I would feel comfortable sharing this with is best friends with the guy of the father who caused some of this mess.

I’m not exactly ready to call this rape. At least exactly that. Mostly because I don’t want to think something that shitty happened, again. Nothing happened, so it’s fine, right? I really should have just gotten out of there sooner, but I wasn’t expecting to get hit that hard by booze. My friend doesn’t remember very much either, but she ended up with a black eye.

I just don’t know what to make of any of this. I really wish I’d feel better soon though.

I haven’t posted anything in a while again. Mostly my long absences just mean nothing has been going on that I felt I needed to get off my chest… at least until now.

NSFW post—

squeetothegee:

“Are you lost?”

“Are you looking for your boyfriend or something?”

“Did your boyfriend get you into comics?”

“You probably just like [insert male character] because you think he’s cute.”

“You read comics? Yeah, right… how many Robins have there been?”

“Prove you read…

I’m not going to write much because I have better things to do, but I have found myself in a bad place. My relationships with Anna and Kevin are both heading downhill. If I was in only one relationship it would be pretty bad, but since I am in both it I feel unwilling to put in the time it would take to repair either. Maybe this is karma and I have just gotten what is coming to me.

On a side note, I have started to become friends with someone else besides from the people I live with. She isn’t someone I could see myself being super close to, but that I was able to connect with someone else makes me happy. Plus she’s really nice.

Whoops I haven’t been on in a while, oh well.
The ever continuing saga of me being a dick still rages. For those of you just joining us, Kevin is the guy who I am not dating and Anna is the woman that I am not dating, except I end up doing girlfriendy things with both of them (minus the sex for Kevin, though we’ve seen each other naked).

Oh fuck I think Kevin is in love with me so I am going to swear a whole bunch.

Trigger warning for partner consent issues, rape

At first, I didn’t know what she meant. She spoke so softly I had to lean across the table to hear her. “I don’t want to hurt your feelings,” she said, “but sometimes I really don’t want to have sex. Sometimes I do, but not as often as you want it. And sometimes I want to tell you ‘no,’ but I can’t bring myself to do it. So I try and send you signals, hoping you can just tell how I’m feeling. But that doesn’t work, so it’s… it’s just easier to say ‘yes’ or just say nothing at all.”

My face flushed. I felt nauseated. I thought instantly of the previous night, where we’d grabbed what I thought was a hot half-hour when my roommates were both gone. Katie had seemed so passionate when we’d been making out, but then gotten very quiet once all our clothes were off. I’d told myself she wanted to have one ear cocked for the sound of a key in the door. I hadn’t considered—or hadn’t wanted to consider—the more obvious possibility: she was trying to tell me that she didn’t want to have sex.

I looked out the window. I couldn’t meet Katie’s eyes. My gaze fixed in the distance, my voice trembling, I asked what seemed the only possible question: “Are you trying to tell me I raped you?”

I was in my first women’s studies course, and just the previous week we’d been reading about sexual violence and the law. In class, where I was one of only three men, I’d felt rage thinking about all of those cruel assholes who didn’t understand that “no means no.” But now a dark and unseen possibility was opening up: not every “no” could be spoken. Maybe, I realized, sometimes even a quiet “OK” could be a “no” in disguise.

Katie started to cry. “Oh God, Hugo. No. Not rape. It’s just… I wish you could tell the difference between when I really want you and when I’d just rather be held.” She began to cry harder. “Fuck. It’s all my fault,” she wept. “I can’t expect you to be a mindreader. I’m so sorry.”

“

—

The Accidental Rapist — The Good Men Project

So much of the activism against sexual violence posits rapists as a subspecies of human, deliberately malicious, a separate breed that - if eradicated - will solve all our problems. Yet how often do we look into ourselves to see if we are part of the problem?

Perhaps when we consider the idea that we could be abusers too - want it or not - we can start coming up with more solutions that don’t assume Good/Bad splits, that don’t force assumptions of “They can’t have done that, they’re a GOOD PERSON!”, that doesn’t also end up finding fault with the victim because they weren’t perfectly innocent.

(via creatrixtiara)

I wish I had the courage to have this conversation.

(via darkjez)

Click the link, y’all. This article is important.

(via actyourrage)

Mind vomit - my two relationships

Okay, I still am firmly set in having to break up with either my female fwb - Anna - or my guy friend - Kevin. However, as of which one gets the boot that is still up in the air.

Holy fuck.

If you say, “worth it,” there has to be a positive occurrence that outweighs a negative side effect of the end result. So, say you get soaking wet wading through a river to get a $20 bill that would probably be “worth it.”

Making dinner, buying some cheap item, doing anything normal without any sort of negative effect is not “worth it.” Please dear roommate, stop saying those two words like it is your sitcom catchphrase.

While you’re at it, Steampunk is a Sci-fi fantasy AU where the victorian era mastered the power of steam in order to create futuristic machinery. It’s not that obscure, it’s not set in the future, clean-cut robots would not fall under that category and just because Hot Topic labels something “Steampunk” does not make it so number one. Please don’t get offended when people call you out on it. You can’t even explain the genre when someone asks you about it politely.

I have to break up with one of the people I am seeing soon. I am not dating either of the two formally - especially in the case of my fwb - but it just hit me a minute ago how much I could hurt both them if they were to find out what has been going on.

In all honesty I would rather break up with both of them than have to choose between them. I can’t say I am in love with either of them entirely, but they both mean a lot to me in similar and different ways.

Thinking about it reminds me that I am the worst kind of person.